Intellectual Twister

Maturation is an interesting process.  I never thought it would be like this…inside I feel the same as at age twenty.  I know I still look young and appreciate the fact that I am still carded (thank you New York State law requiring all people selling booze to ask for ID), however I never expected my body clock to go off.  I make light of it in social settings but it weighs so heavy on my heart bringing silent tears at night.  My friends are all married now and have babies.  Both things I desire…and have desired for so long.  The absence of a partner in my life and of children rousts deep dark questions.  What is it about me that is not good enough?  What is wrong with me that I am still single?  Have I been under certain delusions…perhaps I am not physically attractive?  Perhaps I have the personality of a doorpost?  Perhaps I am not mother material and the universe is sending a message.  My state of confusion is thick as I seek out an answer through the midst of my loneliness.  As a good friend, I am happy and excited for my friends and their beautiful children but I have a jealous melancholy inside.  Try as I might to vicariously experience the joys of parenthood, seeing them leaves me feeling more alone.  And, for those single friends of mine, their long explanations about this relationship and that relationship also leave me wondering what it is I am missing.  Am I not a good person?  How can it be that I must think about freezing my eggs?  This is not natural—my world is not natural.  I would attempt a child alone, but money is king and I am a servant.  Alone, I cannot offer enough to a child.  So, it seems I am left to face my feelings and accept the disappointment; disappointment that feels like an anchor tied to my body.  Trying to focus on all the goodness…and there is much in my life to be happy about and grateful for but this is a physiological need.  It is always there against the will of my intellect.  Who can I talk to?  Who can understand?  More and more I am giving in to the sinking, unable to breathe.